I remember planning our future
watching you get in the car
after you held my face in your hands
and promised me the world

I remember sobbing in the hard wooden chair
clutching the hard plastic phone to my ear
after you told me that we had to let go
and turned to your new love

I promised that the hurt would end
one day I'd find myself looking back without pain
I promised I'd find someone I'd really love
someone who would love me back
and never leave me

we all held on and convinced the others we'd be fine
and here we are now
with faces that have forgotten
and hearts that cannot forgive - at least not today

Now I'm waiting for more plans
for another to promise love
for another time to cry..

for now I'll laugh and pretend I didn't know loss
just like all the others around us

are you laughing right now?
do you ever cry?

i didnt think that moving would be such a big deal. and it wasnt. but what was was the realization that i needed to take myself completely away from memorial. not only physically but mentally and emotionally. would you believe a song brought all this up? and returning home...home to the woodlands. no longer the lines and lines of mutlimillion dollar houses, nicely-scrubbed SUVs, and all the friends I'd ever known until a year and a half ago.

isnt it funny how we plan our lives and then watch those plans burn in our hands? then we always rise from the ashes and continue on in a new path. we're all so much the same. how long ago it all seems. i wouldn't change it, of course. it was great while it lasted. 

Crashed on the floor when I moved in 
This little bunk alone with some strange new friends
Stay up too late, and I'm too thin 
We promise each other it's til the end 
Now we're spinning empty bottles 
It's the five of us 
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day 
No, I can't resist the day 

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke 
I'm so excited, I haven't spoken 
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
The summer's all in bloom 
The summer is ending soon 

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses 

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said 
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt 
I sneak into his car's black leather seat 
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat 
Boy, we're going way too fast 
It's all too sweet to last 

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins 
And I pray it never fades in white houses 

My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake 

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily 
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been 
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses 
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust 
In my heart is the five of us 
In white houses 

And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep 
In white houses 
In white houses 
In white houses

I don't want to have to wonder
if today's the day I'll decide
whether to cross the bridge to burn
to the other side
or to stand my ground
and pray to heaven
that my eyes can meet yours

I don't want any awkward silences
you are a man, I've found, of MANY words
I refuse any empty conversations
you never check the weather
and will never admit when you're sick, anyway..

I want to ride into more sunrises
I want to dance under every star
I want all my nights to be sleepless ones
every single one filled with your laugh
I want to see all our love
in your eyes

I don't want to dust off my ex-files
or meet the girls to kill a bottle or two
and, not to mention, all my memories of you
you hate it when I drink
...and so do I, come to think.

I want to ride into more sunrises
I want to dance under every star
I want all my nights to be sleepless ones
every single one filled with your laugh
I want to see all our love
in your eyes

I've travelled down the heartbreak road so long
my heart can't take much more
but when it comes to you, my heart cries:
'take it all'

Cuz, I want to ride into more sunrises
I want to dance under every star
again and again and again oh..

So I swallowed all my pride
and came clean
lookin you straight in the eye
your eyes grew bright,
you stared right back sayin
'baby..

I want to ride into more sunrises
I want to dance under every star
I want all my nights to be sleepless ones
every single one filled with your laugh
I want to see all our love in your eyes"

in your eyes
in your eyes
all are love love love
in your eyes

::in your eyes:: 12/28/04

a poemupdate for my ever-so-eloquently-tongued Justin Vann:

what's in a name?

jk.

actually. let's scratch the poem idea. I don't like to rhyme...therefore! Let us continue on to random ramblings.

so life is very strange and wonderful. love is rare and sometimes fleeting in mine. perhaps this year will be a good one. The new year is rapidly approaching. The days are flying by me quickly since I am just planning the future and neglecting the present. Abroad programs, internships, career oportunities...any room for music? no. a happy note, however, is that this holiday season is passing quite comfortably. Usually I feel like something is missing. It's pretty perfect, which seems to make up for the lack of perfection or even a mundane existence of the past. Trials and tribulations will always knock on our doors, but more and more time passes from then.....

I must conclude this stupid, random, quite annoying waste of typing with something I am extremely focused on.

as always..

He is perfect. His perfection consumes me. Comforts me. Accepts me. I actually knew in an instant, yes, just one very particular moment, exactly. exactly. what happiness is. a comfort, an acceptance of myself. and even better, I found that inside me and in the arms of another human being. to receive such true meaning of the word love without ever having to say it is in itself the gift I will treasure long after that tiny moment. I will treasure it at his side. I will treasure it alone. I will treasure it for I know its worth, a worth I did not count like a bounty's buried coins or blinding carats. It's worth has no measurement...perhaps the size of my heart..and his. But no more no less. Nothing, in fact. Everything in Nothing. Doesn't seem possible. I still find my thoughts tangling themselves inside my head when I try to sit down and write him a letter about how I feel or a song about our passions. It is impossible..even now, I struggle. So I will ceas-

silence may speak for itself.

.   

unmarked white van equals home away from home
tiny room with low lighting and the bestofthebest sound system
equals studio
mic plus attitude I can't find
equals my dream

the moment I get the chance handed to me to belt it all out

i falter

what is wrong with me? being a recording artist is IT.

dream

passion

love

desire

what happened????

my modesty branches from lack of confidence

i need to find my faith

in me

cuz "people have the right to fly"

.."lets move it along"